Soul travel and beyond

The past one month has been blessed. I got a feel of the glorious European summer. First London, then Vienna, then back to London. Warm, colourful, beautiful, passionate!


Vienna was enchanting, but my whistle-stop tour made it short as I had to get back to London for work and more! The Hafsburg Palace, Schonbrunn Palace, Naschmarkt and many other things that were quaint and beautiful. I even found a 1940s meat mincer, an exact replica of the one I had seen in my grandma's place and which my mother inherited.


In Vienna, over schnitzels and aperol, I spent lovely weekends in the twilight with childhood friends. And I bought the famed 'sacher torte' back to London and India. In fact I had my first sacher torte with a very dear friend, who had first mentioned about it to me, on my return to London in what seemed to be a magical evening. Its amazing how, spending a relaxing time with close friends can be so therapeutic. Never felt so relaxed and rejuvenated in my life!


Back home in India and a week later, I was off to the wonderland called Kashmir, this time with family. There are times I wondered how the Almighty had been extra generous and liberal to Kashmir
when it came to doling out natural beauty. Flowers, fruits, nuts, valley, rivers, lakes, forests- everything was in abundance. A pity that such beauty now has become synonymous with terror and danger.


Srinagar, Dal Lake, Pahalgam, Aru Valley, Betaab valley Jehlum (yes, that's the correct pronounciation) and its tributary Lidder were only the few places I could see. Sonemarg and Gulmarg are still left but a must see on my itinerary.


My travels have touched my soul but the magic I felt is inexplicable. Only I know why.

Eternal

After many months, I was reminded of the poem by the bard of the east.

Unending Love

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it’s age old pain,
It’s ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star, piercing the darkness of time.
You become an image of what is remembered forever.
You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers,
Shared in the same shy sweetness of meeting,
the distressful tears of farewell,
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.
Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man’s days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours -
And the songs of every poet past and forever.
~Rabindranath Tagore

Yes, I am fine, but....

Its been several years now from the mess I found myself in. Picked up the pieces, moved on, tried to make a success of my life and myself, pretended as if relationships have been on a even keel. Funny how things actually seem like it, when you pretend. When you want to scream and pull your hair out, but maintain a serene and even beatific expression, no one can gauge the storm within. Yes, success has not eluded me. A good worker, wife, mother, daughter and even sister. All boxes ticked. But why do I want more from my life? What do I want? The restlessness is back but in milder measure. Must be the beta blockers or is age catching up? What seems steady and calm still has a measure of the turbulence within. Will I go through life and youth unable to quell the stirrings within?

Telepathy

I chanced upon this lovely blog...http://julielangdonbarrett.com/2013/04/24/telepathy-between-soul-mates-and-twin-flames/#comment-22863 I have full empathy. This is unexplainable.

Floating in my own bubble, randomly

Nothing has changed. Only time has elapsed. I seem to be floating in my own bubble. I am not aware if this is what I want out of life. Am I happy or sad, content or dissatisfied, need more or less? This is the time of no feeling at all. Where has the intensity gone? It good to step out of the centre of one's world and look at it like an audience. To feel less intensely, to get on with one day at a time. Not wait for tomorrows nor pine for the yesterdays. Isn't that what life is all about?

Turned out you were just like us.

This is what Pakistani poetess Fahmida Riaz has to say about India today. Read on... "Turned out you were just like us." So it turned out you were just like us! Where were you hiding all this time, buddy? That stupidity, that ignorance we wallowed in for a century - look, it arrived at your shores too! Many congratulations to you! Raising the flag of religion, I guess now you’ll be setting up Hindu Raj? You too will commence to muddle everything up You, too, will ravage your beautiful garden. You, too, will sit and ponder - I can tell preparations are afoot - who is [truly] Hindu, who is not. I guess you’ll be passing fatwas soon! Here, too, it will become hard to survive. Here, too, you will sweat and bleed. You’ll barely make do joylessly. You will gasp for air like us. I used to wonder with such deep sorrow. And now, I laugh at the idea: it turned out you were just like us! We weren't two nations after all! To hell with education and learning. Let’s sing the praises of ignorance. Don’t look at the potholes in your path: bring back instead the times of yore! Practice harder till you master the skill of always walking backwards. Let not a single thought of the present break your focus upon the past! Repeat the same thing over and over - over and over, say only this: How glorious was India in the past! How sublime was India in days gone by! Then, dear friends, you will arrive and get to heaven after all. Yep. We've been there for a while now. Once you are there, once you’re in the same hell-hole, keep in touch and tell us how it goes!

Agony Aunthood- a whole new level

I have come back to my blog after a long, long time. Some changes both external and internal have manifested themselves in me in many ways. Reiki was one of them. The energy manipulation in my system was done and I did notice the positive effects. But no cure is wholistic and a lot depends on your own will. Let's say I am healed, but not cured. So I have become more adept at handling situations which are negative according to my own definitions. The last few months have made me evolve from a vulnerable, slavish soul to a more composed and mature individual. Let's say I don't do as much soul searching as before. Hence the lag in the blog. And the answers lie within myself. My friends now see me as an agony aunt. I am this non-judging pillar who they think can pillory with their internal storms, however, irresponsible or immoral. However, while I am their closest confidante, some changes within me are starting to occur. Slowly in my mind, I have begun to judge them. Its a secret! I feel they themselves are responsible for their misery. There can never be a compromise between right and wrong. The more wrong you do, the more troubled your life is. I see so much energy get wasted after meaningless pursuits. How would they feel if this energy would be spent on something less meaningless? I have not even got started about negative energy. Its just the wastage that has me appalled. I am not being moralistic. Just discovered that there is no debate between what is right and wrong. Contrary to the belief that the right path is difficult, I actually think being ethical and right is the easier option. Makes life easy. Try it!

Why are we attracted to some people?

http://sherryandrea.com/some-people-so-attracted-to-another/

Turning another page

Its that time of the year again. Am I older and wiser? NO idea....Just that I have enjoyed the change last year...new city, a wonderful new job and new house. Scores of new contacts and a lot of excitement of getting a new organisation up and running. However some old bonds never change. These are meant for sanity and survival. Change is constant. However, some constants will never change. I hope the next year is even better. Let me not get smug and count my blessings. The ALmighty has been kind. Let His mercy forever be with me and my family. My heart prays for those who are unfortunate, the tortured and the grieving. May peace and love prevail...

Whitney RIP

I loved her golden voice...I grew up with humming her songs. The lyrics hit a chord in me even at such a young age...so deep was the pain in her voice.






And here are the lyrics

A few stolen moments is all that we share
You've got your family and they need you there
Though I've tried to resist being last on your list
But no other man's gonna do
So I'm saving all my love for you

It's not very easy living all alone
My friends try and tell me find a man of my own
But each time I try I just break down and cry
'Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue
So I'm saving all my love for you

You used to tell me we'd run away together
Love gives you the right to be free
You said be patient just wait a little longer
But that's just an old fantasy

I've got to get ready just a few minutes more
Gonna get that old feeling when you walk through that door
'Cause tonight is the night for feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So I'm saving all my love for you
Yes I'm saving all my love
Yes I'm saving all my love for you

No other woman is gonna love you more
'Cause tonight is the night that I'm feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So I'm saving all my love
Yeah I'm saving all my lovin'
Yes I'm saving all my love for you
For you

Soulmate

“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”
Richard Bach

Yes, I am in a reflective mood and my innermost feelings will never change..

Older and Wiser

Another birthday knocking at my door and in two hours time I shall be a year older. Cannot imagine how time has flown. I may look a little older but have never felt better, touch wood. My weight has been a constant since the last 20 years and I work hard at maintaining it. I am a much more calmed down version of my older self. I have worked at everything. Bringing up the kids (still at it), managing relationships both at personal and professional levels has kept me occupied and I feel I may have arrived at my station in life. My needs are few but now fulfilled. I have learnt to accept situations, people and circumstances better. A few good influences in my life have put me on the road to sanity and calmness. No longer a restless soul, I am now in a mode of consolidating what I already have in terms of material things and personal relationships. I guess this is what growing up and maturing is all about. So what next?

Men from Mars and Women from Mother Earth

Do men really come from Mars? I actually haven't the slightest clue as to where they are from! They probably come from the craters of all the planets, I guess!

This blogpost is all about 'tunnel' vision. The ability to block everything else and concentrate on work at hand. My girl friends often complain how the love of their life is neglecting them, they are drifting apart and they do not do happy things together any more.

Well, well...that is so familiar....Possibly men are wired that way. If something is bugging them, they will shut out everything and brood, or get drunk, but never share it till the crisis would impact the significant other. And women are left to play the guessing game..most often we make the mistake of guessing..he loves me, he loves me not instead of trying to guess what is troubling him.

Some men disappear from our lives as if they never existed. No amount of communication can get them to respond till they decide to and then come back warm and involved as ever, as if the disappearance never happened! But till such time, the poor woman as gone through many cycles of the guessing game!

Women are however, born multi-taskers. They don't believe in flying light...but carry the burden of responsibilities, stresses, strains, emotional set backs and physical work together. Hope I am not sounding one-sided. But yes, we are incapable ot tunnel vision except when circumstances really demand it.

And to escape from it all, we sometimes paint, or even write poetry :)

My current favourite

Yeh Saali Zindagi!

Nah...I havent seen this movie yet, but just love the sound of its title!! So could not resist using it as a title of this blog. Life is truly a strange thing. It takes you down, takes you up and shakes you all around...but thank God, one is soon back to normal and in one piece...well, mostly.

When we are down and out, we say 'this too shall pass' and when the going is good...do we say that ? nah! But this too shall pass one day. Life is full of ups and downs. However, most of what we see as everyday and routine is actually life in the up. Anything that is not normal is not happy. Abnormal sources of joy can only be murky, sordid or transitory. But imagine how many hours of one's life we waste chasing joy that is not normal or due to us? But how do you define normal? Highly relative and means different things to different people. We also have new normals which need adjusting.

One thing I have never discussed in this blog...is the impatience we develop with the people who really care for us. How many times do we brush off somebody's concern? How completely callous we become when people say a few caring words to us? Its strange, but I am guilty of it when it comes to my mother. She is constantly badgering me to eat well and take frequent check ups, which I never listen and follow and show my impatience in various ways. I have seen the same contempt magnified many times by other people who are supposed to matter to me when I express my concern...strange, but this is life.

I am now laid up....with mild numbness in half my back...the doctor says its a nerve injury. This has not affected my lifestyle, but I hope I get my sensations back. I cannot exercise because of this. I have a week long official visit to Bangalore. Look forward to meeting my sis and her family. But I will miss my smallie and my mum and my life back in Kolkata. Till then, ciao babes and dudes. I shall be back soon!

Maximum city, with simplicity

I did two things on my return from the family vacation....get back into my fitness regimen..low oil, less carbs, crunches, squats and brisk walks..sometimes I am surprised at my amazing muscle memory. Second, I saw three good movies in a row. 'Band, Baaja, Baraat', supposedly a no-brainer but came out tops at the BO. Dilli da flavour took me back to my college days. 'Chippad, bhukkad, ainvayi, kya scene hai', all took me down memory lane and the despo Punju boys who used to follow us Delhi hosteller girls !! 'No One Killed Jessica' another Delhi-based movie was one of the best movies in recent times. Enjoyed Rani's gaalis, but give her 5/10 and Vidya gets full marks. This Tam Bram girl is something else. She takes restrained emoting to another level. Yaar is kudi mein baat hi kuch aur hai!

Now let me get to the film which the title of this blogpost talks about. 'Dhobi Ghat' a virgin offer from Kiran Rao's lenses, from Aamir's production house. The halls were empty. Janta mein shayad kuch jami nahin. Slices of four lives, strung together with a common thread in Mumbai. Simply told, in a bald, no-nonsense sort of a way. Raw at times, it punches you on the face! Each of the characters were very starkly portrayed. It had none of the masala which you would expect in a Mumbai movie...nor an overboard Danny Boyle style of portraying the filth and poverty of Mumbai's underbelly. This is where the crux of the blogpost lies....Kiran, spending substantial part of her childhood in Kolkata portrays Mumbai in a very Calcuttan-type of a way. I can relate to it..the pathos, the stoicism, the confusion and sarcasm...tinge it with hues I am so familiar with. Having been brought up in East India and with Calcutta as my home for the last 16 years, I know how it works. The devil is in the details, God is in small things.....No wonder the director found meaning in the bylanes haunted by a rat killer or the hook from the ceiling where the fan once hung...The movies ends cynically. Nothing changes in the lives of the protagonists. Its more a narrative, less a story. I would give the movie three stars.

A birthday once more

This week will end with December 4, the day when I first met this world. This year has been uneventful. But it has calmed me down considerably. No significant achievements in personal or professional life except that it was a milestone. I became the mother of a college kid....

Say hello to the calm new me. The last one year has helped me grow up, manage my expectations, measure my joys and sorrows, balance the scales of my life. Some things are best left as they are. My new calmness should not be mistaken for lack of energy and passion which are hallmarks of my personality. Its just that the passion and energy are tamed to be utilised in the right channels. The result of this will take time to show. I still hate and love as passionately as before.

Today, I am not afraid of losing love, I am not insecure. I am no longer a crushed flower. I know I am me and nothing can change what I am. I shall not hanker for attention. I know my worth. And one thing is unchangeable...I recognise eternal love..it needs no relationship, not even frequent interactions. Its a permanent feeling..unchanging, no matter what the circumstances. Its not shallow or superficial. It has depth..of feeling and of caring. I know what I love and no one, not even the object of my affection should be involved. Love is freedom, a liberation..because you know you can always fall back on its subliminal feelings. Its unselfish and does not care about reciprocity. My love is my soulmate. Whether anyone agrees or not is immaterial.

All these thoughts have calmed me down. I have understood love that springs from the soul. There is no profit or loss in it.

Happy birthday to me!

Tera Mujhse Hai Pahle Ka Naata Koi

Lovely lyrics...song of my soul

Autumnal reflections

'The only constant is change'....Heraclitus


My city was gripped by the Durga Puja fever, the sound of the dhak reverberated at every street corner, swelling retail footfalls, an air of anticipation engulfed my city....the festive season for me meant a break away from home...and the workplace which is increasingly going chameleonic. Huge budget cuts and uncertainty ('change' as it is fashionably called) make the workplace quite stressful. Every other day you bid farewell to a co-worker or one gets a goodbye email. The stress makes workers and colleagues complicated. They behave strangely. People feel persecuted and their behaviour makes others feel isolated. It becomes a vicious circle. But it was good to be away for 5 days at my sister's place at Bengaluru, the sexy destination in the Indian business lexicon. Weather was perfect, less of crowd and pollution and of course shopping...saris, salwar suits, table linen...the works!

My people observing skills were also put to good use. I watch couples closely and how they behave when the partner is around and how different they actually are when the other half is not around. In each others' presence they parrot and talk a common language and seem unrecognisable from their real selves. In the presence of the partner, they even start believing they think the same thoughts. So which is the real self...the one with the partner or the one without? Maybe the self which is more comfortable....

I love being the observer. I am the backroom girl....

Ciao till the next post...

In the name of God, have we come of age?

Its been such a long journey. I came back to humid, sultry, crowded Kolkata and have slowly got into my usual routine. But life is much lighter now. I now have to look after one child instead of two. That leaves a lot of time on my hands. And I brood, feel low and bounce back after conversations which make me feel special. Such is life.

Four things have happened since I came. Matinee idol Sallu bhai's latest offering 'Dabangg' crossed the earnings of '3 Idiots' one the first day itself. Its rambunctious item number 'Munni Badnaam Hui' has become the new national anthem and the pjs of the rocking Hindi heartland have become the talk of every conversation. But now its the turn of the iconic Southern idol Rajnikant's latest release 'Enthiran' in Tamil and 'Robot' in Hindi which has the makings of the biggest grosser in recent times.

But as I hung my head in shame with the filth and corruption associated with the CWG, I felt proud of the restraint my fellow brethren exercised after the verdict of the Allahabad High Court. ...Is the verdict going to be the turning point in India's democracy? Is the country now mature and restrained that we can proudly say we are a truly evolved population? Will Tagore's words 'Where the world has not been broken into fragments by narrow domestic walls' come finally true? Is the 8% and above GDP growth for the last so many years, now showing its real colours in a vibrant, restrained progressive population?

I hope I have not spoken too soon. Are we leaving a permanent tinder box, a mini-West Bank of Gaza in the heart of the country? We need to wait for the Supreme Court verdict. We have been prisoners of history. But this challenge could be a golden opportunity for us to break free....

Two more things: Riots do not happen in India, unless the political parties want them to and secondly I am happy to witness a silent revolution among the brethren in my community. The community of 1992 is no longer visible. Even the ghettos are talking progress. Young women are getting educated,independent and choosing their own husbands. Milads and majlis are now less about faith but more about connecting and networking. Aspirations and competition in the generation next seems palpable. They have more 'constructive' things to bother about rather than building a place of worship.

On this postive note I close this blogpost. But please take a look at the picture. Some may find it pseudo secularist...but I can relate to it. The heart has no religion. Love has no faith. True friendships have foundations in absence of fear and firm understanding.